Okay, so yesterday I discovered that I’ve failed my Machine Learning class. For the second and last time this year. The exact subject I actually want to do research in. And today is, well, not the best day. I am not a person to be motivated by failure, at this point it just proves that can’t get stuff for the life of me. But after studying for this goddamn exam for 2 weeks (well, okay 2 days I was a mess, but other than that) for the second time and given that I actually have some background in it I am pretty sure that it wasn’t for the lack of effort.
So, I got over my feelings of shame about self-diagnosis and started reading up about adult ADHD. As it goes, of course this and not my upcoming re-exam for another subject (another failure of mine) is now the main subject of my hyperfocus. Ah, also I scored in top percentiles for every ADHD test I could find. Even though my psychiatrists and a therapist have only previously diagnosed me with depression, anxiety. Really, who would’ve thought that a person having depression because of her inability to focus on work or studies, who at the same time was programming since her early teens might have some problems with keeping her focus on the right things. Not that the diagnosis would’ve helped me before, since the medication is prohibited in Russia. Well, now that I’m in Germany maybe I can finally stop getting advise of “just doing it” and get some real help.
Phew. I’m not getting angry. Water under the bridge.
Don’t think about that exam tomorrow, just focus on getting help and the bigger picture.
I have my doctors’ appointments, I found a place that specializes on adult ADHD in the next town. Probably won’t be easy to get diagnosed, Germany is not as free in giving ADHD diagnosis and medication as US, but at least it’s possible, so there is hope.
I’m Kate, I am 25 years old and I am a first year Computer Science PhD student from Russia, studying in Germany.
It took me 6.5 years and three universities to get my bachelors degree.
I dropped of 3 high schools and ended up finishing an evening school.
I have changed 7 jobs since I started working in 2011.
But I love Computer Science and research and I can’t see myself doing anything else in my life. And I am sometimes pretty good at it, at least good enough to fool people that I’m smart and let me into a PhD program, until I’m not good at all.
I think I have ADHD.